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Mommy and Me

Healthier Mommy and Me

What Does Shame Have to Do With It?

Feb 18th, 2012
by Cynthia Mitchell.
1 comment

After 30 years plus of counseling people who wanted to change their lives for the better,and enjoy wellbeing, I find myself face to face with a reoccurring theme verbalized in Kevin Costner’s eulogy of Whitney Houston -”shame”.

In days gone by, at our Long Island counseling center I remember attending a training by a therapist on addiction and shame.

He, as did John Bradshaw, the  author of many books on guilt and shame, defined shame as “not feeling good enough”.

So shame seemed intimately connected to who we were not to  what we did.

Later, I  learned in a workshop on healing family roots, how shame can be passed along to us;translating: someone else’s “not good enough” can influence the next generation.

While none of this is news to many people, what may be news is that according to Kevin Costner, Whitney grappled with not feeling good enough, and never was it more apparent than when she did her screen test for the movie, Bodyguard.

It seems that she had her hair and makeup ready when she was about to go on stage for that screen test.Kevin had visted her to encourage her and she asked him if she could have time alone before joining him.Later, he discovered when the lights began to melt her makeup, that she had put on additional makeup  like the cake makeup that was used for her singing debuts, hence the melting.When asked why she did that, she is reported to have shared how she really wanted them to like her, and how important it was for her to be “good enough”.

He stated something like” the challenge of that fame became the obstacle that claimed her life”.

Throughout my years as a counselor and spiritual guide, I witnessed how so many of us grapple with thoughts and feelings of not enoughness, shame.

Many of our 12 step clients referred to their addiction  as “the disease”.Many of those were the bravest of the brave, having faced their shame have gone on to enhance lives.Today,  we recognize what the Bishop, who was her producer of the movie Sparkle said, “death has not won, because love conquers death” . We are urged to love ourselves MORE , to think loving thoughts MORE OFTEN, to heal those places within that feel less than NOW.With each of us doing more of that and helping others do the same, we can transform our lives , our families, our community and  ultimately our world.

What is an affirmation you recommend to counter  ” not enoughness”  and live a legacy of love in our world?

 

 

 

NEXT

Oct 19th, 2011
by Cynthia Mitchell.
No comments yet

Imagine for a moment that someone sends you a vibe that causes you to experience some dissonance within your being.Maybe that dissonance resounds with a thought going across the screen of your mind  like the ticker tape in the stock market. IT might broadcast a message that your approval rating seems to be  going down.What do you do?

I suggest you use your NEXT card.You might ask, what is that?It is a creative tool that I created , especially for those people who like myself lived many years under the illusion that we gained our value from the response of others.

Enter  a young teen who was struggling with feeling loved because her co -custodial parent seldom called her .

Her mood was determined by whether or not he called.In fact she decided that if she was lovable he would call; therefore she must be unlovable.

While listening to this scenario, I thought of how this relationship could lay the groundwork for future relationships with her future boyfriends, and or as she aged her bosses, whether male or female,or if she is an entrepreneur, her customers, maybe even her spouse!If they would not return her calls or if they did not demonstrate care, she would blame herself and the cycle of devaluing would be perpetuated, perhaps , even passed along to her children…

Contrast that to a conversation between one of my business partners and her daughter. “Who makes you happy?” asked the mom,my business partner.The child responded “I do”.”Who makes you sad?”asked the mom again, “Ido”.”Who is responsible for your happiness?”she asked again of her 5 year old.”I AM”.I gasped, imagine being raised that way!

So in the case of the teen I handed her my now patented super duper NEXT card.I shared that this card gets me into the flow of life and keeps me from getting stuck.I added , “especially in business, when people I call do not return my calls”. I pull out my NEXT card!

“When I moved to this state,  I experienced, for the first time in 20 years of doing business, the phenomenon of  some  people not returning my calls.Where I’m from, we never did that.At times, it got to me. I began to think it was my fault, but then I created the NEXT card.”

I handed her a bright pink magic marker and a 5×8 index card.On the front I asked her to write in huge letters”NEXT”.

Now here is the important question.When someone “disses” you, what is your FIRST thought? In her case, she thought she was unlovable.”Now what is your NEXT thought?”, I asked.She looked puzzled.”Please turn the index card around and at the top write;

‘I AM LOVABLE and it is their problem!’”

Of course, the ultimate next card would say:”what others do is none of my business”,but to me that is NEXT card advanced series.I’ll save that for the next session.

 

Traveling with my mom

Jul 12th, 2011
by Cynthia Mitchell.
5 comments

She’s 88 years young and sprite as they make them , that is despite the loss of the man she loved and was married to for 61 years, my dad.

As I said at their 6oth she was the living model of the part of their wedding vows “in sickness and in health”, as was he devoted until he passed and even then.

It is our annual trip back “home” where she lived until 10 years ago when she came to live with me.So now, reversing the order of things , I hold her hand as she maneuvers in and out of the wheelchair at the airport and walks onto the plane.

I came with my typical resistance of leaving home , my nest, and those I love there, including my family and fur baby.And of course, I grapple with the angst I feel when I leave my work.But then on a day like this I remember her years and as we room together, I see her reading her sports page-”go Yankees” she would say, and praying her novenas, in keeping with a long line of  female pray-ers in my lineage.

Our day at the airport was greuling what with needing to change planes and concourses, being “wheeled” there as I followed,initially to the wrong concourse and having to take a non air conditioned bus to get to the right one for our second leg of our flight.

I look at her and I wonder what life will be like when I am her age.I wonder who will care for me then.I am glad I am here to be that for her, a caregiver.I align myself with Spirit and remember we are never alone, and that assures me to live this moment well.And today as she rises to g0 to breakfast in our hotel, I marvel at the strength of her spirit and as my grandmother who lived until 102 years young would say,”thank God for good genes”!

 

Welcome to our Green Solutions blog!

Apr 26th, 2011
by Cynthia Mitchell.
2 comments

May our articles add a dimension of hope and faith and prosperity to your lives.
 
We believe in the resilience of the human spirit to continue to reach for life, despite outward seeming circumstances.
 
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Yours,

Cynthia and the TEAM at Time for What Matters

Solutions for Health and Financial Wellbeing